I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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