Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
