At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize