I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
