My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
