I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize