He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Randomize