1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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