we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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