I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
