You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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