My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
