The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
