I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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