My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
