It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Welp...herpes.
you win again, gameday.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
