I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
