barbara walters just said penis...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
