hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize