I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
my poor anus
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize