Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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