so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
