all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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