am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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