wat bout pragnant strippers??
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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