THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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