she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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