Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
