goodnight i made you a song goodbye
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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