if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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