i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
