i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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