dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
