I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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