rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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