I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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