if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
