I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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