I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
