I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
