Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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