I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
