my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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