He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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