Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize