I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
