I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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