What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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