he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
smell my finger.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
