I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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