We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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