you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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