Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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