How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize