We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
