ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
