Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
