I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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