so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
