i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
