Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
