my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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