A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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