My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
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