I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
